So.

I haven’t been here for a while. Probably because I’ve been in this god awful tailspin.

And I’ve given so much up.

I’ve forgotten who I am.

I’m back here, because I don’t know how else to find myself.

An opportunity fell into my lap.

And I simply stood up, and the moment was gone.

I let it go.

I’ve let it go this far; my thoughts are all over the place.

I don’t even know how to be happy; I’ve lost the core to my being.

Where did she go? This beautiful, adventurous, dont-give-a-fuck, in your face, self-reliant, happy, outspoken, possibly over-opinionated, smart, driven, proud, crazy, loud, fun, loved and loving woman.

She’s been replaced with a timid, scared, lonely, bitter, and skittish little mouse.

Of all the people I’m scared to lose, I took my best friend for granted. I never thought I’d lose her. I’m so scared of losing the person who has broken me down instead of being scared of losing the person who wants nothing more than to build me back up.

She’s never asked me for a damn thing. Tonight she asked me to trust her, to believe in her.

And the thought was there. I hope she knows that she got somewhere. The light at the end of my tunnel is a candle in a hurricane. I told her that once. She reminded me that it’s still a light.

(Thoughts are still a mess, for any poor soul who’s reading this.)

She put her hands around the flame. I don’t know if she’s still there, but I know I am.

This is not my life.

This is not what I want.

This is not what they want, need or deserve.

I want her to know. I want her to know I’m still there. That beautiful, adventurous, dont-give-a-fuck, in your face, self-reliant, happy, outspoken, possibly over-opinionated, smart, driven, proud, crazy, loud, fun, loved and loving woman is still there. She’s in here somewhere.

And because she didn’t give up, neither am I.

I want her to know I love her, I appreciate her, and I’ll miss her like my right arm if I actually demolished our friendship.

I want her to know it wasn’t for nothing, and she didn’t lose.

Watch the fuck out. Somewhere under this lame excuse for a woman is ME. She’s kicking that goddamn door down.

And she’s not stopping ‘til she’s back on top.

SD- as of this very moment, February 5, 2012, 4:44am … I’m back, and I’ve never been more excited for change than I am right now.

I can’t thank you enough. (Hey, you said I’d thank you later. I know this isn’t what you were aiming for, but it’s the best I can do.)